What Moms Want Dads To Know About Them

Monday, September 04, 2006

WELCOME

Hey, Moms! My co-author, Jesse Rutherford and I want to hear from YOU!

In the process of writing our first book "Men Behaving Dadly: What Dads Want Moms to Know about Them" (due out Summer 2007), we decided to start gathering material for our second book about moms for dads. To be a part of this exciting project, just click on “Comments” below and share your frustrations, concerns, and confusions about dad behaviors with Hogan and other moms. By participating, your thoughts will reach dads who’ll read the book . . . and you don’t risk a fight with your husband! Jesse and I will personally read all comments posted to this blog and may even publish your post in the book.

To learn more about our first book "Men Behaving Dadly, "you can visit our blog for dads at http://menbehavingdadly.blogspot.com/. It’s also a site for dads to share their perspective on caring for a baby and parenting. Tell your husband!

Keep On Mommying,

Hogan

posted by Hogan at 10:46 AM

24 Comments:

  • what mom's want dads to know, eh? we bitch about things, because we need help with them. we feel overwhelmed and when we ask you for help- we genuinely want you to give it to us. i personally get tired of feeling like the fucking maid of the house. i feel like i do everything. pick up after everyone, clean up constantly, make everything nice and pretty, not to mention 99% of the household chores. and i find myself wondering WHY the hell i do it all? why won't he help? even after i express it multiple times to him. nothing changes. i feel overwhelmed after working all day and then coming into a house that looks like shit. and i want to turn around and leave. because it shouldn't be this difficult to pick up after yourself. you know?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:55 PM  

  • Here's what moms want dads to know:
    You are not a hero for hanging up your wet bath towel or for changing a diaper. We do that all the time without so much as a "Hey, thanks!"

    But the mom bar is impossibly high and the dad bar has only slightly risen in recent years.

    A few years ago, my husband was pushing our two young sons in the stroller when a neighbor said, "My, what a lucky wife you have!"

    He pushed them once in a month and I pushed them everyday, but I'm the one who's lucky. Hmmmmm.

    By Blogger Jen Singer, at 8:29 AM  

  • I think that the biggest battle we face when becoming a parent is how to overcome our own childhoods. For many of us, we've pushed those discouraging hurtful memories to the background, and with the arrival of a baby we have to revisit that tumultuous time in our life to hopefully do better for our own children.

    Beyond our individual childhood experiences, mix two totally different "pasts" together and it is a potential volatile mix.

    I think we should evolve the thinking from "gender/income roles" to "teamwork particpation".

    It's always going to be tough.

    By Blogger crazy4jasmin, at 3:16 PM  

  • I want Dads to know that Moms are still afraid that they are expected to conform to the old-fashioned stereotypes of mothers like June Cleaver. We prefer to believe that each parent is an equal partner. We don't want to feel that if we have a truly equal parental partnership that we are "lucky". The ones who would be lucky in a situation where each partner is involved are the children.

    Hm. This has me thinking. I might have a post in me about this.... I'll try to remember to let you know if I do.

    By Blogger Andie D., at 7:34 PM  

  • I think I agree with anonymous...we complain because we want help. My other biggie is if I am trying to explain a procedure to my husband that I have done 1,000,000 times and he has done exactly 0 with regard to the baby (eg. putting on his orthopaedic shoes), I could do without the eye-rolling, the "yeah-yeah-yeahs" and the huffing and puffing. I don't claim to know everything about being a mom, but when it comes to my babies, I know 99% of it and that is 100% more than my husband knows. Hey - I spend more time with them as infants, it's only natural it would be that way. Some acknowledgment to that end would be nice. And maybe being told once in awhile I'm doing a good job as a mom - I'm my own worst critic, so I'm never gonna say it to myself...it'd be great to hear it once in awhile. I may be back with more....! Thanks for doing this!

    By Blogger Heather, at 10:38 PM  

  • We do want an equal partnership. Remember it’s our house and they’re our kids and we both are responsible. We want to love you and you love us. We want you to express that love just as much as we do. We want to be supported, encouraged and most importantly we want to feel APPRECIEATED!! Stay at home moms don’t sit on their ass all day, it’s quite the opposite. And working moms, they each deserve a superhero name. Men, don’t take for granted all the things we do and don’t bitch about the things we don’t do because it doesn’t even come close to your “did not do” list. Don’t forget that we are the women of a new generation and we really don’t need to have you in our lives. We choose to love you and we want to have you…but really we can SURIVE without you. If you can’t cut it, then just know that we are strong enough to cut you. I hope I’m right when I speak for a lot of blogger moms, we know who we are inside, we know what we want and know what we deserve.

    By Blogger Jo Mama, at 7:56 PM  

  • My husband works late at night so in the morning, I'm the one that has to get up at 6:30am to feed the baby. I get so exhausted from a full day's work that it gets really tiring. I ask my husband why doesn't he get up to feed the baby but he always responds with "I work!" Yeah but I work too! Men seem to think that being a stay-at-home mom is a walk in the park. Well, it is literally when you're meeting up with moms for coffee, but it's HARD WORK THAT IS NEVERENDING!

    To the men (including hubby): THIS IS WORK TOO!

    By Blogger mrsmogul, at 6:48 AM  

  • What I want Dads to know is that when your child is 4 years old and you have been a dad for that long, it is not cool to ask the same questions everyday. For example, you know that the child likes apple juice in the morning, don't ask me if it is ok to give it to her or how much to give. You should know this stuff by now :) Just listen and observe and you will no longer get those looks from me when you ask those kinds of questions :)

    By Blogger Amanda, at 8:03 AM  

  • I want you to know, that even if we are divorced, you are still required to do your part. You may move on, and create a new family. However, you still have a financial, as well as physical responsibility to the family you had before. A divorce is not an excuse to absolve yourself. Step up to the plate and be respectful. All eyes are watching what you do, and what you don't. And what you don't will be remembered far longer.

    By Blogger Becca, at 3:07 PM  

  • First, I agree with Amanda. Pay-attention, observe, and don't ask me questions unless you absoluetly have too. I get questions all day long, from,"Mom, where are my shoes, to Mom, what is steel made of?" Sometimes one more question makes me want to explode, this isn't your fault, it is just way it is. Having had live-in nanny expiernce I have seen other Dads do this same thing. It is the Ole: "Honey, where is last night's meat loaf?" He asks before he has even opened the fridge to look for himself. Did your mother's teach you this? Or is this some kind of code, for "Honey, I am really hungry, should I make something for myself or are we sitting down to dinner?" I am just guessing here. Is the question, "Honey, can Princess have juice?" translation for, "I am too busy watching football, would you get our daughter her juice?" or does it mean something else? Because you know that last answer isn't going to fly. I find it hard to believe that you can't figure these easy answers out, and I am suspicious of your motive. A very inteligent, hardworking, executive told me once that when he walks though the front door, his brain goes on auto-piolet, and therefore sprang the stupid questions. Is this true? Is there no other option?

    My husband sometimes asks the questions, but when he comes home, he often feels like I am the one shutting down and going on auto-piolt. To help him get breathing transition time he gets to change clothes, use the bathroom and get something cold to drink before the kids climb all over him. I do not run to the rescue, poor guy, unless he has some excues like near death sickness. I think men in general need to understand, once they walk through the door, you are ON FATHERHOOD DUTY. If you are not ready for it, take an extra ten minutes getting home...

    I hate to add more complaints like anonymous...I knew what I was getting into when I had my first child. We agreed in pre-marital counciling that we would share the work. Share the work ment the outside is his, the inside is mine. Garbage duty is his, toilet cleaning is mine. Lego duty is his, clothes shopping is mine. So I really don't want this to be a complaint. There are just some things that men do in general that make me go, "Why the heck does he do that?"

    By Blogger Dapoppins, at 10:08 AM  

  • Dads need to know that they're important. I think some Dads feel as if they are less knowledgeable and capable when it comes to nurturing their children, so they leave it up to Mom. Then, Mom feels like she's in it all alone. Dads should know that their children need a bond with him just as much as they need one with Mom, because mothering and fathering are different. Dads need to take some initiative to develop a meaningful relationship with their children rather than rely on Moms to give them directives on how and when to do it. When Dads claim their role, Moms feel supported and children get the benefit of a true parenting partnership.

    By Anonymous Leslie, at 12:20 AM  

  • I just want to know why anything related to child rearing and house work is MY job. This includes cooking, almost all of the laundry, making appointments and getting the kids to them, staying home with sick kids, supervising baths, attending parent/teacher conferences, taking the kids to various lessons and to church, helping with homework, teaching the kids how to do chores... All of this is in addition to my full-time job as a teacher. Your duties include mowing the lawn once a week, and doing household repairs. How does that even compare to my daily load?

    I am supposed to thank you if you cook hamburgers for dinner one night a month, or wash a load of your own work clothes. You can walk by something on the floor 20 times and ask ME how long it is going to sit there, and you can leave your dirty underwear on the bathroom floor and I am supposed to pick them up. As you head out the door to go fishing yet again, you have the nerve to tell me I need to get the house cleaned up. Let me tell you something - this attitude is why you have a rotten sex life. Get a clue!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:43 AM  

  • Can't wait for the book - I was disappointed that there weren't more comments on the other blog. I really am interested in learning the man's/dad's point of view on this subject. It's amazing how differently men and women think and how they can view the same situation so differently. I think if women got a better understanding of the dad's point of view - and vice versa, it would be incredibly helpful and reduce some of the frustration we mom's feel.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:45 AM  

  • I, too, was surprised that there weren't more posts on the "dads'" site. What also surprised me were Hilling's questions for the dads. They're the same frustrations I have! What does that make me? A dad in a mom's body? Especially relevant were the following:
    Feel a lot of financial pressure that your HUSBAND seems unaware of?
    Feel guilty when you don’t spend time with your kids, even if it’s because you’re spending all your time making money?
    Hope you won’t turn into your own MOM?
    Wish you wouldn’t feel so pressured to be a Super MOM?
    I also echo the thoughts from Jen Singer, jo mama and other previous anonymous posters on this site:
    "i personally get tired of feeling like the fucking maid of the house. i feel like i do everything. pick up after everyone, clean up constantly, make everything nice and pretty, not to mention 99% of the household chores. and i find myself wondering WHY the hell i do it all? why won't he help? even after i express it multiple times to him. nothing changes. i feel overwhelmed after working all day and then coming into a house that looks like shit. and i want to turn around and leave."
    "Don’t forget that we are the women of a new generation and we really don’t need to have you in our lives. We choose to love you and we want to have you…but really we can SURVIVE without you. If you can’t cut it, then just know that we are strong enough to cut you. I hope I’m right when I speak for a lot of blogger moms, we know who we are inside, we know what we want and know what we deserve."
    Hallelujah.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:52 PM  

  • I posted my comment on my blog but I will reiterate here:

    1) Please don't call me Mommy unless you are talking to the kids about me. There is nothing in calling me Mommy or Mom that hollers out, "You are the sexy, attractive, friend and love of my life." Call me crazy, but the idea of you calling me the same name as my mother-in-law does nothing for the libido.

    2) Since I do not thank you for going to work everyday, I do not expect thank you's for watching the kids, scrubbing toilets and doing errands. Regardless, the appreciation you show toward me does pay forward and usually unconsciously on my part; a cleaner house, a more cheerful hello coming home, more favorites for dinner.....and sometimes in the most delightful ways. ~wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more~

    3) Asking me 'what did you do all day' before you find out what kind of day I had can be detrimental to your health. Please find out why I had a non-productive day before the Spanish Inquisition. I won't (and shouldn't) dump on you the minute you walk in the doorway.

    4) My work does not end when you walk in the door. Yours doesn't either. I feel when you come home, I have reinforcements! We both chose this life with children, we should participate in the good and the difficult parts. This means teamwork which brings me to #5.

    5) Help us stay unified when it comes to discipline. This way, our children won't think that one of us is a pushover and the other is the bad guy.

    6) and lastly, when I am sick, I cannot always do my regular mom duties. I wish I could call in sick from my Mom job but I cannot. Just because I am not in my bed doesn't take away my 101 degree fever and keep me from throwing up.

    7) Every Mom needs some time to herself. I am no exception and am much more understanding when you want to play pool or go fishing with the guys.

    By Blogger EmmaSometimes, at 5:15 PM  

  • What dads need to know about moms is this:

    1. You can't just be "fun daddy". I love it when my husband goofs off with our son and play till all hours but I need to make sure that he is also involved with the discipline when needed.

    2. Dads - please don't put our childrens lives at risk. Yes, it is fun to throw them wildly up in the air, and yes, it is fun to pretend to throw them in the water when they are 3 years old, but as mothers we can't and shouldn't have to watch such displays. Seriously... this is a constant thing with moms I know. Dads don't have the same level of safeness that moms do. Its all fun and games until you poke an eye out!!

    3. Along with the appreciation, love, and respect we need alone time. Take the child out every other weekend, for the whole day! At the very least 4 hours minimum. Leave us at home with nothing to do but watch tv. Even better, send us out with nothing to do but watch a movie. Just take more responsibility to be with your children by yourself.

    4. I could go on and on about the fact that dads need to know that being a SAHM can be just as much work, if not more so, than actually going to work (at least tehn you can get away from the crying, screaming, fighting, questions, and nagging). Dads - do not tell us you can't do something because "you work". Ugh.

    By Blogger EC, at 7:04 PM  

  • What do mom's want dads to know... Yes it does matter if you pick up your dirty socks, towels, tools etc. because the kids notice and decide if Dad doesn't have to we shouldn't either. Your sex life is directly linked to how much you help and how little you criticize - Dads doing dishes are sexy. Dads doing laundry (without making the whites pink) are sexy. My way is better - face it - my mother taught me how to clean, cook, garden - yours didn't - observe and learn then do it right. I don't want to have to go behind you and do it over just because you want to play racquetball and did a half-assed job to get out of the house. (Sex life or not?) The less tired and stressed I am at the end of the day the more likely you will be to get what you want. Lastly, I really do love you more for getting the vascetomy, but stop lording around like you've done something wonderful. 4 kids, 4 labors, you have no idea.

    By Anonymous BizyMom2Many, at 9:52 PM  

  • This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Badoozie, at 7:52 AM  

  • wow, lots of good stuff here. I don't even think i could add to it!! i really think it is interesting how men expect to be thanked for "helping"? and if they don't get kudos for every little thing, then they won't do it next time. holy cow, that is just arrogance at it's finest.

    funny how as male and female, we were designed to compliment each other so well, yet that only happens in a rare relationship. why is it so hard to get this right? you'd think with all the years under our belts, books, shows on TV, counseling, etc that more relationships could sing the praises of unity, and teamwork.

    it disgust me that as women, we are still trying to get this point across. men arent dense when it comes to rules of sports, opening days of their hunting seasons, or learning a new trade that will make THEM look good, why are they so dense about where the milk is located?

    laziness. bred into them by generations before them. there can't be any other excuse. I think about that all the time as i raise my boy, how what i teach or don't teach will some day impact his own marriage, and it makes me do things wayyyyy differently.

    so, what i wish dads knew is that with our own sons, we don't need to instill "toughness" into them, or teach them how to rule the roost. we need to instill tenderness, empathy, sincerity, and helpfullness in them. we are not making wussy's by teaching our little boys how to cook, or clean. we are making wonderful husbands. husbands that will put your ass to shame!!! so back off us moms who are trying to train up a REAL MAN, and go chew on the remote.

    By Blogger Badoozie, at 7:54 AM  

  • I agree. We need more help. We don't want our partners to just be walking wallets. We need more than a monitary contribution! I hate when my boyfriend comes home and asks me why the house is so messy. Because I've been taking care of a messy toddler all day, on top of the fact that I have work to do (I work from home as well), and I have to get dinner ready and put away dishes and everything else.

    We split chores, but he just doesn't seem to understand that the stuff that I take on may take a little bit longer to get done because I have a demanding child and work to get done as well.

    Husbands/Dads/Boyfriends need to know that we can't do it all by ourself. We don't have ten arms!

    By Anonymous Kristen, at 1:47 PM  

  • I don't know about other moms but what I'd like the father of my child to know is that when i ask you nicely to do something (like take 20 seconds out of your day to change a diaper or take out the garbage) that you should just do it because we don't really ask much of you. the answer to said requests is NOT "i'd rather not."

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:31 AM  

  • There are two things I'd like my husband to know:

    1. When we are in bed together, and I tell you about how I handled something with one of the kids, DON'T raise your voice and tell me what I did was wrong, stupid, or senseless. You aren't there when the garbage happens, buddy. Yeah, you may be right, but you aren't in the "heat of battle" and trying to handle the situation, one that you've had to handle before, all the while trying to keep up with all the other demands of the day. I might be less, well, angry if maybe ONCE in a while YOU handled the situations that arise. Perhaps you would be a bit more understanding....

    2. You married ME. The kids and I are your family now. You don't care for your family, but yet you still drag us to every single idiotic get together, forcing us to spend HOURS with rude, irritating people. all because "they are family." If the kids or I express that we don't want to go and that we HATE it, and perhaps you should go alone, you get angry and resentful. It has been over 15 years of this- it is about time that you stopped wearing rose coloured glasses and realize that NO ONE wants to be around your embryonic family, even yourself!!!!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:49 PM  

  • Please Dad don't undermine my efforts to teach our child things. Such as bedtime. Don't whine that you don't get to see him then go to bed an hour later and I've got a fully awake kid on my hands;and no down time for me. Please don't buy him another toy every week. He may be our only child and we can afford some, but he doesn't learn diddly squat about delayed gratification.

    By Blogger cheryl, at 6:10 AM  

  • Money doesn't make you a good parent or spouse. Being involved and present does.

    By Anonymous Jennifer, at 3:40 PM  

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